Siedlisko zła

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
- The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
- "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
- "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
- "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
- The man below replies, "You must work in management."
- "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
- "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

“Knock, knock.”
- “Who’s there?”
- (very long pause…)
- “Java.”

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
- The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
- The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
- The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
- The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
- The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.
When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told: "It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol".

["hip","hip"]
(hip hip array!)

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
- “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
- The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: “Okay.”
- The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
- The shepherd cheers: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
- The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
- The young man answers: “Yes, why not?”
- Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."
- Man: “How did you know?”
- Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"

Java programming is like teenage sex:
- Everyone talks about it all of the time (but they don't really know what they're talking about);
- Everyone claims to be doing it;
- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it;
- Those few who are actually doing it:
--- Are not practicing it safely;
--- Are doing it poorly, and
--- Are sure it will be better next time.